I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
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Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from