I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
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Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”