I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
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Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
I’d hang this in my house.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.