I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
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My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.