I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
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The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please