“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
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boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞