I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
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Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.