“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
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Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.