“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
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“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
me 2 months after i graduated
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Love it! 👍😂
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
I laughed at this way too hard.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl