*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
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Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?