I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
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We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
lol
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!