I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
You Might Also Like
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
my fav colour is also hitler
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
when there are deer in the woods
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man