I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
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Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Tammy is short for Tamuel
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down