Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
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Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.