I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
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Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Bruh PLEASE
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said