INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
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a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?