i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
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ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.