I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
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Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.