“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
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I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
This did not end as expected.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.