I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
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No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Best spot.. 😅
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
🤣🤣🤣
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat