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If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
me, too, girl. me, too.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
inventing words: clothing
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now