*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
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My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*