I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
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Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
my first dose meeting my second
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?