I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
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The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
They must have gotten it to go.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Name another movie that mislead you?
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Pretty certain I can more drunk