[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
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I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old