I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
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In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
We like the way Dwight thinks
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
This has made my week.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?