Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
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I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Fiction has to make sense.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke