@checkyourfox: I'm sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
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@ColoChiver: Scared the mailman today by going to the door completely naked. Not sure what scared him more, my naked body or that I knew where he lived.
@SavoirFail: I don't do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
@panmidwest: [world series game 1] Wife: where are our seats? Hamlet: 2b... Wife: there are people there Hamlet: or not 2b
@Twitmytweeties: 1) Lick tip. 2) Stick it in gently. 3) Pump 12-20 times. 4) Sweat profusely. 5) Pull out gently. -Instructions on inflating a basketball.