@checkyourfox: I'm sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
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@kamweru_: Saw a guy steal a car using a hanger so I did what any normal person would do, walked up to him & asked "You that guy from Grand Theft Auto?
@RealSugarFree: So far at work I've straightened a paper clip then tried bending it back to its original shape. Employee of the month right here.
@XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: What’s that? Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you. *eats her bacon*