“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
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my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
My life coach traded me.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are