@Dr_powpow: I'm sorry I picked up dog poop using your selfie stick.
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@Rollinintheseat: If you don't call your spouse "wonderful" when you're on a game show, you're legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
@KentWGraham: I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
@theshantilly: Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas. Him: I was gonna get lingerie. Me: Trust me. VS won't have your size. Him: Me: *jazz hands*