If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
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People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.