I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
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Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day