I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
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If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
synchronized noseblowing
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.