I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
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*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
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What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.