“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
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Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.