@Momtoteens: I'm sorry I tried to steal your baby, but my kids don't smell good anymore.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@iwearaonesie: me: Go back! uber driver: Did I miss the turn? me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
@nowarranty: If I say, "Don't worry, I'm on it," there's a 98% chance I'm referring to my couch.
@Dr_awfulpants: [Water cooler] -Looks like you had a wild weekend! How'd you get the scratches? *flash back to me bathing my cat* -Uh, this chick bro. Yeah.