I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
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Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning