@JesKeepSwimming: I'm sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
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@summerlvn82: [ At the grocery store ] Cashier: Is that everything? Me: Nope. I got all this invisible shit, too
@LindseyEllison2: If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
@pattymo: Just came across my proto-Simpsons shitpost from 2015, approximately one million years ago
@notalogin: Dog: I'm a man's best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me. Pussycat: Yeah, you're not gonna win this one.