@JesKeepSwimming: I'm sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
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@truegritrumble: MORPHEUS: April fools! NEO: ? M: There's no Matrix. N: What? M: You've been drugged, son. N: WTF M: We've been harvesting your organs.
@Dawn_M_: During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
@StellaRtwot: Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you're on a swing?
@thegayfarmerguy: Doc: You have gallstones Me: Ugh. Doc: You can control it with diet. Me: Great! Doc: No chocolate, cheese, fried foods... Me: Take it out.