I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
You Might Also Like
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.