I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
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[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.