DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
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*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Yes my dude
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.