I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
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Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
The first matador
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.