@SortaBad: I'm sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
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@Jesssicle: Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone's house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper "to go"
@Rollmaninoz: [at my funeral] *casket falls onto the floor* Mum: that's the quickest I've ever seen him move Dad: lol owned
@cluedont: I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there's no need.
@shkeeber: I've been standing in IKEA with a lamp shade on my head for 3 days, hiding from the cops.