I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
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Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL