I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
You Might Also Like
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
was Jim off killing horses or…
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Always a metermaid never a meter
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke