I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
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Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie: