I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
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[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
All is fair in drunk and war.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top