Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
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My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
The funk soul brother
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
R.I.P.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape