@brunopieroni: I'm starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist's office.
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@rcromwell4: My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there's no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
@killazilla: HR- do you know why we called you down here today? Me- your broomstick is broke and you need a ride? HR... Me- a house landed on your sister
@iwearaonesie: wife: The school called. Guess why? [flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69] me: Why?
@BadaBinge: Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I'm never gonna get chicks being a "homeless romantic".