I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
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I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Somewhere in an alternate universe
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles