I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
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me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
this is literally a CIA plant
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die