I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
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Never forget.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
I am yelling
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
what my late-night hot pocket sees