I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
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Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan