I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
You Might Also Like
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.